Pop Goes the Chrisaufra

I love the Marsh girls. Always and forever.

The end.

Lover of my Soul

It's been one of those days.
Not one of those crappy ones like yesterday;
one of those days where everyone I talk to seems to say or do something that makes me happy.
People never cease to amaze me.
Like every word I heard today was sculpted to counter some nagging feeling I've been having lately.
Like Someone hand-picked a perfect day with perfect words to remind me of my capability to love.

Oh, yah.
Someone never ceases to amaze me.
You found me.

I'm Happy to Be in the Truth

But what can I do for You, my Lord?

Jitterbug

Yay for nice men who snowblow your driveway and nice women who loan you their extra shovel.

This weekend has been random random. Fun, yah, but random.

AJ and I went to the library today to work on our sociology project, and it did not go well. I was trying to write an essay about gender socialization and, for the first time this year, I felt really happy that I'm doing a science degree. I was trying to write all this crap about how, as a girl, I wouldn't be as sensative and compassionate if society didn't tell me I had to be, and I realized I didn't even care about or believe anything I was saying. Science degrees suck. But I don't have the patience for this ambiguous arts stuff. Not for anything more than an elective, anyway.

So, I'm watching Full House. Apparently Bob Saget is a dirty old man. Noooooooooo.

Back Into Love

Because of lack of boys, minimal work, and too much awesomeness, in search of:

1-2 non-drinking, non-smoking females willing to participate in a sleepover between now and Sunday, February 26. Interested readers please reply to Robyn or Meagan through comment, email, or phone call.

I Know Whom I have Believed

I'm so not happy right now. By sitting at the SASF table today, I somehow got roped into my own personal debate, which I wanted no part of to begin with. I was suddenly being asked all these questions I wasn't interested in answering and being attacked by flying Bible verses and laughter. If Kayla hadn't rescued me when she did, I'm pretty sure I would have cried. I don't care if these people think they're expanding my mind or something by attacking my thoughts; not everyone gets something out of being opposed over and over. I have nothing to prove to you. Force your infinite Bible knowledge upon someone who's got none of their own.

Oh, and, apparently, if you're under 19, you need a parent signature to go rockwall climbing. ugh. I'm not in the mood for this right now.

I am not spending another weekend at home.

They Call Me One of Their Own

Midterm break has been truly beautiful and it's hard to pinpoint exactly why. I was trying to convey why it's meant so much to me when I said goodbye to Heather tonight, and I said that this has been the best break thus far. First of all, it's most definitely the break that I've felt I needed the most. Midterm break last semester was awesome, but in very different ways. And Christmas was a God-send, but it ended up feeling more like I had moved home and the magic of reunion didn't last the whole time. But midterm has been a few days of constant and satisfying love.

We had a girls' night yesterday, and in all my years of being best friends with these people, I don't think I've ever enjoyed myself more. My first reaction when I think about our changing lives is a bit of sadness that I can't do more to keep us together. But for a moment last night, I almost thought that this was better. Petty annoyances and issues are all but forgotten about when you only get to see someone once a semester. As we all start to find our own ways, we'll always share a common past that no new friendships could ever surpass or replace.

And a quote I once heard at a story reading comes to mind when I think about our changing lives. " . . . and I learned to treasure these things in my heart, not bruised or broken, but simply there."

Random Acts of Kindness

This weekend has been awesome. Yay.

At Wal-mart today, I ran into my beloved grade 4 teacher, whom I haven't seen since I was 14 or so. She asked me what I was doing these days, and I explained to her that I was in St. John's, had tried music school and didn't like it, and I'm currently planning on majoring in behavioural neuroscience through the psychology faculty and, maybe, applying to med school. My little, hyperactive 4'8"-or-so teacher nodded intently and said, "So right now you're going the science route." She went on to talk about her son-in-law, who's a surgeon, and passed on his advice. "Once you're in," she said, "it takes brains and the guts to keep on pushing through. " She grabbed my arm and finished, "And you've got it." She gave me a hug and a kiss and, apparently teary-eyed, scurried off to prepare for her trip to Ireland in two days.

I can't even describe how much this burst of faith in me means. She knows neither that I managed to pull off a 74% in calculus physics without the pre-reqs, nor that I struggled through chemistry, failed the only two tests I've ever failed in my entire life, and felt like a complete idiot the entire time. She only knows that she saw something in me when I was nine years old and still believes in me enough to tell me so.

And if there's anyone in my past I can trust, it's Mrs. Brown.

One hundred years from now,

it will not matter what kind of house I lived in

or how much money I had.

But the world may be a better place

because I was important

in the life of a child.

It's the Circle of Lies and it Killed Them All

The last song of the Chamber Choir Concert last night was called Ride on King Jesus. It was a big, bold, triumphant piece that I really enjoyed. I get that spirituals are a favourite of musicians because they're so well done, but I always wonder if the conductor picks these songs for a reason and, by some chance, she really believes what she's singing.

And Concert Band today was composition day. We debuted the arrangements that the composition students have been working on and I really enjoyed it. One of the students was Carilyn Cooper, the daughter of the officers who were in Corner Brook when I left. Hers was an amazing arrangement of Jesus, Lover of My Soul. Knowing how much more it meant to her made me so happy. I'm so proud.

That's my news of the day. Home tomorrow, yayyy.

If You Knew How Much This Moment Means to Me

My bestest friend once said "Forget Prince Charming, my friends are the loves of my life!" This Valentine's Day has signed and sealed this declaration for me, not really because of my obvious lack of boyfriend, but more because of my even more obvious abundance of truly amazing friends. A snapshot of the photographical parts of my Valentine's Day:

Blistex suspended in Jello, hooooo yahhhh.

Fancy Valentine's Day supper with the fam.

Josh pours the wine.

Andrew had a Chamber Choir concert and we watched and cheered.

All you kids with your boyfriends are missing outtttttttttttttt.

So, I had some thinking time last night while I was trying to sleep. My friend who stutters is probably the most patient person I know. My friend who has CP tremors is probably the most accepting person I know. Their flaws have moulded who they are.

Doesn't that apply to all of us? We're so quick to think about the things from which our flaws are holding us back. But what about the subtle differences that these little things are making to our world?

Fuzzy hair, chubby cheeks, big boobs, no boobs, pot belly, chunky thighs, chicken legs. All influencing who we are becoming.

Me Oh My, I Don't Want to Lose It

So, I have nothing to say tonight, but I can't let the day end without stating that the stress of my horrible, horrible, horrible weekend was more than made up for by my amazing day. I have this warm feeling of contentment inside my rib cage that hasn't gone away all day. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, Amen?

Who will buy this wonderful morning?

Such a sky, I never did see.

Who will tie it up with a ribbon

and put it in a box for me?

She's Only Eighteen

Hey, look, it's my pretty sister (with her eyes half closed)!!!!

Happy Birthday Tiff!!!!

Welcome to the Worldwide Train Wreck

I'm so overwhelmed right now; it's not even funny. I can't decide whether my frustrations or my feelings of love on the flipside are more overpowering. So, at this moment, what have my times and times led me to conclude? Well, I will not run away. But you can only stick your hand hastily in a fire so many times before realizing that it's safer for everyone if you wait for things to die down.

So weep, my precious, precious dear,

from shoulder to morning,

until Thine tears become Mine own.

All Other Ground is Sinking Sand

I really enjoyed band again tonight. It was relaxing and the music was moving and I had fun playing. I almost didn't want to leave. This new-found contentment is confusing me so much. I think it's because Noelle and I have bonded now, and I'm enjoying her presence just as much as practice itself. Either way, looking forward to church again is most definitely a good thing.

I zipped home and errand-doing during my lunch break again today. Man. Weekdays suck now. Our exciting weeknight outings have died completely. And lunch breaks are depressing. I've sat at the SASF table a few times, but the two people whom I actually know never seem to be there, so I end up just feeling like a complete idiot all the time. So I've grown accustomed to running home and spending lunch with Bob and the Tanner clan. Oh, West Coast Lunches, how I miss you.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
all other ground is sinking sand
all other ground is sinking sand.

Until Thine Tears Become Mine Own

General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

I took the night off after my super amazing physics exam and watched Love Actually. It wasn't as sastisfying as watching it with friends whom you Actually Love. hah. get it.

I broke out the brown leather notebook and did some poeming tonight. That thing is full of such random stuff from my passionate introduction to expression in level one writing class to grade twelve pre- Writing Club scribblings. I remember when I first got the book and I used to make myself write one poem every night just so I wouldn't give it up. It's funny how something that once meant so much to you can just kind of die.

Similarly, today has definitely been one of thinking. These are intense, intense days. The vicious feeling I get when I know things are going on with people I love never ceases to remind me of itself, but sometimes I wish I could handle things better. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really working on it.

Here I Go Again

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
words that he will hear
and know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts to see my only friend slowly fade away
So maybe, this time, I'll speak the words of life
with Your Fire in my eyes
But that old, familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

Oh My Sweetness

I watched Now and Then three times this weekend. An explanation for this melodramatic idealism that I've been radiating lately, perhaps?

I found a prayer request email in my junk mail folder today from SASF. Apparently, the teenage daughter of two officers serving in Ecuador was kidnapped, and as of February 1, the kidnapper had called looking for money and the police were trying to track him down.

Wow.

Like, there are no words. Missionary work; glamorous? Definitely not something to be entered into lightly.

So, I have my first chemistry midterm tomorrow morning. Who's not going to get a 46 this time? Meagan.

In the meantime, I took this "What should I major in?" quiz today. Heather, Robyn, Sarah, and anyone else who is freaking clueless about where your life is going, take it and do what it says.

Your Scholastic Strength Is Evaluating

You are great at looking at many details and putting them all together.You are talented at detecting subtle trends, accuracy, and managing change. You should major in: Statistics Speech Conflict studies Communication Finance Medicine

What Should You Major In?

Now and Then, Oh My Friend, Don't Say Goodbye Again

Watched Now and Then again tonight. Mannn.

If you know me, you know that I think things over too much. It gets me into trouble sometimes, but it's who I am.

One thing I cannot stand is living in the in-between. And I hate that that's how life is right now. Apparently, our life-long friends are our university friends. I feel that now, and I'm quickly realizing that I have less and less in common with many of my high school friends. The friends I've made here, whether at church or school, are people I've become attached to, not because we go to the same school or have the same friends, but because we sincerely care about each other.

But everything is just beginning. We have no common background to fall back on and few struggles to prove we're in for the long run.

Are we friends for life, or do we love eachother because we're here at this moment?

And, right now, I hate not knowing.

Play that Funky Music White Boy

Meagan woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Yay.

My sociology midterm was good. Someone took our seats, so we found the last set of three seats on the other side of the room and sat as we usually do. It was pretty cute-sy.

Jacob showed up today. He claimed my computer, made fun of my playlist, and helped me make supper. Some things never change.

And for the first time ever, I stayed home on a Friday night to study. The work I have to do between now and midterm break is inconceivable. I don't understand how I get stuff done anymore.

Robyn and I just finished watching Now and Then (which I bought in the $5 bin because I didn't think anyone would be home after I finished studying). Man, that movie makes me wish I lived in the 70s soooo bad. I'm pretty sure I love every single song that came out of that decade.

That's it for now. Happy Groundhog Day, y'all.

Bird Cages

I'm unbelievably uninspired right now.

So I'll leave the night to the cherished words of my beloved friend and CB-native, Susanna Muggeridge. Good times.

Bird Cages

Do you,
Do you remember,
When motivation was easy,
Do you remember when insanity was a pleasure,
Not a lifestyle,
Do you recall the deep breaths we wasted,
While we were caught between the pause and the start,
Someplace where awkward and beautiful,
Held angels captive,
Where the fallen part and the risen fall,
Someplace where we were alive,
Someplace,
Where you were alive in me.